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| Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012 | | 9:02 pm |
So in terms of work, I did get back on track today. As in, I went. I felt really bad this morning, but it got better over the course of the day. I had hopes to go to the gym after work, but I didn't. Instead I sat around and felt bad. Then I watched Glee, but it didn't help. So I made myself pad thai, but that didn't help either. So now I am journaling and then I will go to sleep and hope that helps. I've been really weepy recently. I actually came close to crying at the gym the other day, during a tampon commercial. I think this may be a new low. It was demonstrating how athletes can be athletic due to wearing quality tampons (I think. The sound was off.) And I was like, sob....I'll never be a real athlete, and I'll never look like that.... No good. I've been almost crying at virtually everything recently. I'm ready for that to go away. Any time now. At least tomorrow is Thursday and then it is weekend. Although, I've noticed that even though I dread work and have trouble going, it was the ends of the day I felt bad today, not when I was actually at work. So I'm almost fearing the weekend. I need to make plans for it, because right now it is just a big open space of nothingness. Which is never good. We'll see. | | Tuesday, May 1st, 2012 | | 8:41 pm |
Well, despite my stated goal of posting more when I am happy, that doesn't seem to be happening. Today was distinctly not happy. I missed work, which is sort of ok, because we get a floating holiday option on May 1, but not ok because I did not in any way enjoy it. I had a big list of all the things I was going to do, but did none of them. Instead I laid in bed and hated myself. Now I am scared of tomorrow. I also reread my "letter for the drawer" from when Omer broke up with me. Wow was that a bad time. I had kind of forgotten. Made me cry all over again. I have such great sympathy for myself. I have to not let this be a trend, and get back on track tomorrow... | | Tuesday, April 24th, 2012 | | 7:40 am |
Ok, so yesterday wasn't great, but better than the day before. I have hopes today will be better still. Though, I only got 5 hours of sleep, so that is a strike against me. Still, I think things are improving. I went out last night to meet a potential new friend. Met him on a dating site, and we decided not to date, but to meet anyway. Was a nice evening, we'll see if it pans out. I could use more local friends. And...enough procrastination, off to work I go. | | Sunday, April 22nd, 2012 | | 11:45 am |
I am depressed today. I woke up early and went to the gym, which you'd think would be an indication of a good day, but apparently not. I called in sick, because I couldn't get out of bed, but it turns out a new student can't do her experiment by herself, so I have to go in anyway. I feel lonely and mean and hopeless. I am expressing this by being unnecessarily unpleasant to my friend who is trying to convince me to try swing dancing. (Why???) Note to the wise: Do not try to convince your depressed friends to try swing dancing. It's just not a good plan. Even if you are in new, starry eyed love with your new girlfriend who does swing dancing, this does not mean I want to do swing dancing. At all. Independence day is Thursday and I have no plans or invitations. I'm afraid I will spend it alone and miserable. While everyone else is happily barbecuing. I asked a few friends what they are doing, but so far have gotten no responses, or they are doing something I am not invited to. I feel hateful and trapped. | | Saturday, April 21st, 2012 | | 5:48 pm |
So I had a really promising date. And I was excited. And we set up a second date. And then he broke it and said he'd call to make other plans instead. And when he called, he said "it doesn't feel right" and broke the whole thing off. So I'm mostly spending the weekend feeling sorry for myself. I took some time off to have lunch with a friend, but the purpose of the lunch was to meet the guy she's seeing, which is apparently becoming quite serious. So I only part-time took off feeling sorry for myself. Now I'm back at home and giving it 100%. I just feel too old for this crap. It was fine in college, and then on into my 20s, but really, isn't it time to find someone and settle down? It seems like everyone else has. It was only one date, so obviously I don't miss him, I'm just sad about lost potential. I had gotten my hopes up, which I always warn myself not to do, but am incapable of controlling. I don't know what went wrong. I've also decided I need more (local) friends. I have a few, who are great, but there aren't enough of them. But how does one go about doing that, really? I think tomorrow I will try out a climbing class. Maybe it will help. Just feeling kind of miserable. | | Wednesday, March 28th, 2012 | | 8:38 pm |
| | Tuesday, March 27th, 2012 | | 9:33 am |
So today isn't going so well. I'm having this problem where I can't stay awake past 8, and then wake up at 5am, and then get sooooo tired I go back to sleep at around 7am and then oversleep. Sigh. At least I'm not completely and utterly exhausted anymore, because that was worse. I managed to stay up until 8:30 last night, but then woke up at 5 this morning. (Better than the 4am I woke up yesterday.) After going back to sleep at 6:30am, sure sure sure I would wake up chipper to my alarm at 7:30 and all would be well, it is now 9:30am, and I'm awake, but far from chipper, and still in bed. And I have to go to work, because the machine all my experiments depend on is broken and I have to go deal with the technician. And no one is at work because there is a big conference I opted not to go to that they are all at. So all in all, I realllllllllllllly don't want to go. And I really have to. Again, I wish I were better at sucking it up and doing unpleasant things. Instead I lie in bed and mope. So here is where I should pull on positive experiences. Being alone at work is nice. No one to check on me. And the technician will be a few minutes of having to deal with Hebrew and then it will be over and hopefully the machine fixed. (Please please please.) And yet, still....hard. Boo to today. | | Saturday, March 24th, 2012 | | 9:05 pm |
| | 8:28 pm |
Today was a bit of a disappointing day. As in, I didn't do anything. I did host a late notice lunch for six people, so feeling pretty competent and can-handle-anything about that. I get all excited about weekends and then they pass and I don't do anything, which makes me sad. I need to work on this. However, I did make my own challah this week, in addition to a full meal. French toast for breakfast tomorrow...yes! | | Friday, March 23rd, 2012 | | 9:01 am |
positive work experiences
Feeling cheery and energized this morning. I woke up super early and decided to make challah. I'm not sure if it is successful or not - it looks a little funny. I'll update y'all in a few hours. I'm thinking of also making carrot soup and/or brownies. Anything to not clean my room. So about work. Here are the things that are encouraging. I've never been reprimanded about my attendance. Come to think of it, aside from once when I skipped and didn't tell the boss (about 3 months in), I've never been reprimanded at all. In fact, I've been given positive feedback. My absences have not piled up. They cause me not to accrue much vacation, but I'm not in a deep hole or anything. I get work done. Not as much as I feel I should be getting done, but again, no reprimands on that front. I think that's it. For now, anyway. | | Wednesday, March 21st, 2012 | | 7:28 am |
a return?
I write a lot when I am not feeling well. I don't write very much when I am feeling well. Of late, I have not written at all. Which isn't to say that I have been feeling only well, but somehow, I just haven't been writing. I was in therapy yesterday, talking about work. I have a lot of anxiety surrounding work. I am convinced I don't work as hard as others, and that it will be noticed, and eventually everyone will hate me and I'll get fired. I've worked there now over two years, so logically it seems unlikely that I'd just get fired when they have been happy enough with me thus far, but anxieties are not always so logical. Recently my mood has been good. Unfortunately I've been exhausted. I started drinking insane amounts of coffee, 10, 12, or more cups a day, and strong stuff. I alternated between crashing and jitters. It was nuts. So March 1 I went cold turkey and stopped the coffee. After a few days of serious headaches, I started feeling physically ok, but so so so so tired. I couldn't do anything. I did get to work, but didn't do anything, and I would come home and go straight to sleep. I was sleeping 12-16 hours a day. After a week, I figured the caffeine withdrawal was over, but the exhaustion didn't abate. I couldn't function. It was becoming apparent why I was drinking so much coffee in the first place. The epic sleeping continued. I felt like I was weighed down all the time. It was no good. It should be mentioned that despite this, I went to work EVERY DAY! That never happens. Ever. Anyway. I decided it was my meds, and I talked to the pdoc, and we moved things around. I am starting to feel better. Yesterday I even felt awake. I "woke up" at around 1pm, (despite having left bed at 7am). It was the first time in 3 weeks I had felt awake. Amazing feeling. So to go back to the beginning of this rambling post, I was in therapy, talking about my work anxieties, when I realized I wasn't very anxious about work. And then I got a little bit frustrated. Because the thing is, I'm always anxious about work. It's not rational, and I know it's not rational (I think I know that), but I'm anxious anyway. And the frustrating thing is, it has nothing to do with work. It has everything to do with my mood. My mood is good now, so work worries don't bother me. And I can look at my employment situation clearly, and see it is good and stable, and I'm fine. But my mood will drop, and then all the worries will come back. And how do I hold onto this rational cheery outlook then? Which brings me back to the journal. Because of course the obvious answer is to write it down so I don't forget. So all of that was really a very long introduction to say that I am going to try to journal more again, and when I am in better moods, so that I can read back later and remember how thing were when they were good. So hopefully you'll be seeing more of me! | | Thursday, March 1st, 2012 | | 7:01 am |
necklace
a new craft I'm particularly proud of... I made this necklace for a bat mitzvah girl - it's made of dyed cultured pearls.    | | Friday, January 6th, 2012 | | 12:16 pm |
| | Wednesday, November 16th, 2011 | | 7:43 am |
Hello friends. It's been a long long time! There is much to update about. Well, really two things. First of all, I'm still training for my half marathon. Haven't been recording it, but have been training. I'm up to 9 miles - 4 to go! The race is Dec 30. The other thing is that I reduced my work hours to 75% - 30/wk rather than 40. And I couldn't be happier. The pay cut isn't bad, and I feel so much relief. Now, though, we have to see...will it help the depression? When I get bad, will I be able to complete 30/wk even if I can't manage 40? No way to know but to try... And speaking of that, I should consider getting to work! There are many more details going on, we'll see if they end up here or not. But those are the major events. | | Monday, September 19th, 2011 | | 7:37 am |
running
Ok, so I have been running, I've just not been posting about it. I'm still on track to do my half marathon at the end of December. I don't know why I don't post... I just don't for some reason. I used to be compelled to post about all sorts of things and now I never feel like it. Anyway, my dad's friend has assigned himself my coach, and emails me tips and made me a running schedule that I am now trying to follow. So far (one day in) so good. A nice 4 mile loop that last time I tried it a week ago or so I couldn't do. I got discouraged in the middle of the 12 minute uphill. But this time I got the whole thing. Yay! There's other stuff going on and maybe one day I'll post about it.... Maybe not. | | Tuesday, September 6th, 2011 | | 8:32 pm |
Three for three days at work this week. AND I just got back from a 5 mile run! Hurray! | | Friday, September 2nd, 2011 | | 11:27 am |
I've been quite depressed. Haven't gone to work all week. Haven't been running in a month, and the few runs I did go on, I didn't record. But, things are starting to look up a bit. I went running for 55 minutes yesterday, though then the clouds came down and I didn't make it to work. Today, with no work anxiety hanging over my head, I am feeling quite chipper, and ran for 1:15. (that's an hour fifteen, not a minute fifteen.) Also hung out some laundry, miracle of miracles. Now if I can only carry this over until Sunday and ACTUALLY GO TO WORK. Seriously, I think they've forgotten who I am. | | Wednesday, August 10th, 2011 | | 9:24 am |
Why is going to work so hard for me??? | | Monday, August 8th, 2011 | | 1:15 am |
housing protest
I went to the housing protest tent city today. I was impressed. For people with no clear goals, they are very well organized. It was also very peaceful. The environment reminded me strongly of a folk festival. Highly interesting. | | Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011 | | 8:42 pm |
I've been depressed, and not running. So this was meant to be Saturday's run, but it ended up being Tuesday. Anyway, the long run of the week. It was pretty good. Rebecca ran with me and helped me keep the pace up a bit. There were hills and stairs oh my! Sneaker count: 23.5 miles Today: 4.3 miles 17:29 min/mile HR - 147 Longest run to date: 4.3 miles Days to race: 152 I made hotel reservations today for my race weekend! Woohoo! |
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